My fellow American’s I am here tonight to lay out the platform of the Neoconservative Party. As you know the Neoconservative Party was formed out of the remnants of the Republican party, when godless heathens such as John McCain and Christopher Shays tore our grand old party apart with less than unquestioning devotion to our dear leader George W. Bush. As the sainted founder of our party Dalai Bush and his appointed successor his holiness Jeb deserve nothing less than our blind support and this forms the first plank in our platform:
The Neoconservative Party will give it’s unquestioning support to anyone George W. or Jeb Bush supports.
If dear leader wishes to appoint a racist judge, why you should worry? You’re not black. If dear leader wishes to appoint pro-life judges, why should you worry? You’re not a woman, or if you are a woman you are the sort of good Christian that obeys her husband will acquiesce to all his decisions. I can you assure this ladies your Neoconservative husband would never advise you to get an abortion even if you’re raped or your life is in danger.
Our second policy plank deals with the Bill of Rights. Polling has told us that people like the Bill of Rights in principle; however several of those rights allow people to dissent with Dear Leader. Changing the Constitution at such basic level is problematic. Traitorous Democrats and Republicans are known to value the Constitution more than they do our dear leader. This will make it very difficult to change the Constitution, and this forms the basis of our second plank:
The Neoconservative Party will ignore the Constitution where we do not agree with it.
The free press will be bought where it cannot be outright coopted and made an arm of government. A free press dissents and dear leader and by extension the Neoconservative Party cannot tolerate that. Those who advocate free speech should look to the example of the dangers of free press. The freedom to assemble allows the dissemination of differing ideas and thus cannot be tolerated. We will use our police force to break up any assembly not in support of dear leader. As noted Neoconservative member Tom DeLay is fond of quoting, “There is no separation of church and state.”; thus much like in the glorious days of feudal monarchy any citizen not a member of the same religion as dear leader shall be considered treasonous. These ideas were originally put for by radical activist liberals and can safely be ignored on that ground alone.
The Fourteenth Amendment will also be ignored. The Equal Protection clause is nothing but an excuse for blacks and gays to use activist judges to force their radical negrosexual agenda upon the good God fearing Christians whites of this land. Do you really believe coloreds and homosexuals are your equals? Neither do we in the Neoconservative Party.
The third plank of the Neoconservative Party deals with personal responsibility. America was founded by rugged idealists who supported themselves and therefore:
The Neoconservative party believes that every free man is responsible for his destiny and that of the woman under his protection.
While the Neoconservative Party in no way supports the First Amendment, since dear leader has the entire military under his control and thus more weaponry than any citizen could amass, we believe that each man should have access to the proper weaponry to take responsibility for he and his woman’s destiny; thus we hold the Second Amendment to be a sort of eleventh commandment. Each man has a sacred right and duty to keep and bear arms.
We further propose the creation of a morals police to ensure that each man is securing his own destiny and properly raising his family and tending to their spiritual needs. A man must work to secure his destiny; thus he cannot always be by his children’s side. The morals police will also be responsible for enforcing our Federal Doctrine of Education. The most innovative part of our Doctrine of Education is that it is based solely on prayer. The morals police will replace classroom teachers in our hopelessly liberal schools and encourage the students to pray for knowledge. No actual instruction will be given. The students will pray and God will enlighten them.
Now we turn to foreign policy. The Neoconservative Party believes that God put oil on this Earth for the use of the American people. This forms the basis for our the first plank of our foreign policy platform.
The Neoconservative Party believes we should invade all Middle Eastern oil producing states take their oil, kill their leaders, and convert the rest to Christianity.
Her Holiness Ann Coulter first proposed this idea in 1 A.9/11. And now in year 4 A.9/11. we feel the time has come for St. Coulter’s idea to be fully implemented. Liberals have long complained about raping the environment to provide oil for our cars and factories. Even a liberal should be able to see the advantages of raping someone else’s environment (and women while we are at it) to provide that oil. As to the current residents of the countries we will be raping for oil, I offer the advice of a Texas judge, “When it’s inevitable lie back and enjoy it.” Mother Nature, that godless hussy, would do well to get the same message.
Diplomacy is essential to any world power; however, diplomacy without the threat of force and coercion often leads to compromise and compromise in anathema to the Neoconservative Party. This forms the basis for our next foreign policy plank:
The Neoconservative Party believes that all diplomatic missions should be undertaken with at least a carrier group of air and naval support.
Nothing convinces a recalcitrant “ally” to support us like a few missile tests done over their airspace, and truly if they were our ally they wouldn’t be recalcitrant; thus if the test goes wrong and happens to blow up something Haliburton or one St. Cheney’s companies can rebuild they got what they deserved.
Finally we return to domestic economic policy. Dear leader has called for an ownership society. We of course whole heartedly endorse dear leaders policy, and while our founders were hopeless radical liberals. Even more radical liberals later changed parts of the Constitution that we choose not to ignore. These parts inform our first economic plank.
The Neoconservative Party supports the reinstitution slavery so that all free men have the capital and labor to meet their familial responsibilities.
While we do not believe that slavery should be based on race, the coloreds will make up a disproportionate amount of the new slave class. To create this slave class all those in debt, that is with debts greater than their assets will be indentured to their debtors to work off their debt at an hourly wage of $5.00. Further any children created by the indentured will remain slaves permanently thus ensuring a steady flow of impeded labor for free men everywhere.
In an ownership society each man owns his property as such he is free to do with at he pleases therefore:
The Neoconservative Party supports the torture of dissidents and slaves.
Slaves, as property, may be freely tortured by their owners. Freemen who dissent shall disappear in the night. Freemen who do not dissent but still disappear in the night were in the wrong place at the wrong time. No system of governance is perfect.
As the Neoconservative Party support the personal responsibility and independence of every freeman, entitlements not directed to corporations shall be done away with. Each man is responsible for his, and those under his protection, future and therefore:
The Neoconservative Party supports the complete liquidation of Social Security and all other entitlement programs. We will then use these funds to support the morals police.
We, the Neoconservative Party, abhor all forms of taxation. A man’s property and wife belong to him and should not be taken by the government, therefore:
The Neoconservative Party will make the maximum effective tax rate 0%.
This will cause the government to accumulate huge deficits, but that’s fine because were only borrowing that money from our children. When its their turn they can figure out a way to pass their debt their children, or perhaps we could take all the slaves stuff and sell it to pay off the deficit.
Thank you.
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