Something Awful: "Dear Ernest Borgnine, I'm fat! I'm 12 years old and almost weigh 100lbs! How can I ever look like Britney Spears with this flab hanging off me?

-Lardass in Louisiana

Stop eating so much you goddamn hippo! Ha ha, but I kid. I think there is a program called bulimia that has been really successful in curing fatness in young girls, but I'm not really sure what's all involved with it. There is also something called liposuction. It's a really easy process where they stick a hose in you and suck out all the lard. I'm going in for my 4th one next week. With these two things you should be 75lbs in no time! Glad I could help kid!"

Ah the glories of SomethingAwful.